I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
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I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Breaking news:
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Reporter: *ports again*
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]