Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
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Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Worst perfume name ever.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.