People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
You Might Also Like
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
🤣🤣💀
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”