[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
You Might Also Like
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
wut hotdog?
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.