the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
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what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
An odd boast
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.