Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
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[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes