M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
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New mindset, who dis?
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
What a website
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.