“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
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When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
The Book. The Movie.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO