Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
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If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
When they try to steal your moment.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.