You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
You Might Also Like
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”