Delightful if true: booby trap.
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When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.