I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
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Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
I have a type: disappointing
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
My time has come.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
how high up are we talkin’?
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.