Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
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avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad