gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
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Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Breaking news:
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.