No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
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Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨