her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
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*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.