12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
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Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.