Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
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“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.