Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
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“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.