If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
You Might Also Like
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job