Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
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[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
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Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
ouch
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basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
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Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
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My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one