Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
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I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat