If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
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Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
sistine chapel
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
“Huge”.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”