[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
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I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.