I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
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*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Every time my phone rings