Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
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hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I鈥檓 hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
I鈥檓 not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn鈥檛 know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don鈥檛 count
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it鈥檚 yours.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
If you don鈥檛 wear pants, you鈥檒l never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
How people watch movies when they鈥檙e:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I鈥檓 choking on a piece of popcorn*
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf