who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
You Might Also Like
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
My beach vacation Google searches
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.