People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
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They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.