Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
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You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Room with a view.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.