took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
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Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits