Happy thanksgiving!
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Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
And now we wait
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband