Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
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[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away