Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
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If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex