My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
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A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.