him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
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I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
That took me a moment.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.