dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
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*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Covid like
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
I want what they have
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”