Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
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Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
🤣🤣🤣
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need