[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
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Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]