[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering

Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs

Me: How much funding do you need

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I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.


My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.


Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.


THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…

ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”


Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”


I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.


“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals


The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet


*bursts into starbucks*


Barista: yeah over there

Me: oh thank god

*plugs in a mechanical bull*


I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out