Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
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me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
No. YOU-buprofen.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no