Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
You Might Also Like
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”