so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
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[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
The asteroid..
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..