Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
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REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.