Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
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*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Ain’t no way
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Baller is short for ballerina
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
tourist season
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”