*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
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accurate
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered