Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
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Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.