“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
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Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?