I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.

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Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.


I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods


[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.


Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.


I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.


While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!


I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.


Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny


Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing