I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
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It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
inventing words: clothing
This dude got his own movie?
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.