Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
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Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”