Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.

I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.

[Speed dating]

Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!

My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.

Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”

Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast

trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month

RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband

My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.

He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.

911?

~He’s eating Top Ramen!

911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water

~NO! He’s eating it like soup!

911: That’s fucked up

~I KNOW RIGHT

There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.

so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha

If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?

My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear

My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.

Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.

Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.

“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.

90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.

Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro

[New printer]

Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*

Ink low, replace cartridges

*leaving a wedding*

me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice