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Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.