when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
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My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out